Woke up early as shit. slept okay ish, woke up a lot but feel rested. didn't want to get up when my alarm went off, but a loud ass bird woke up everyone at camp not 10 minutes later, time to get started. packed up, had a small breakfast and time for the climb out of Cedar Springs. it is A Bitch™, cried most of the way up, emotions everywhere, looking forward to being able to say im done. from there I start spiralling. all the reasons to stop are there, and none of the reasons to keep going. and so there it is, the epiphany. I decide there and then to quit, Fobes Trail is 2.6 miles ahead. maybe I'll see Anouk and Wouter before then, or maybe not. the thought of them being too far ahead hits me like a ton of bricks, and just as I start panicking, there they are. we hug, we talk, I cry some more, but the decision is made. 

we hike our last miles together and at the junction we say our goodbyes. as I'm hiking away from trail I can't stop crying. I'm walking away from the thing I dreamt and built towards for years. i wish i have Anouk something of mine to take to Canada, but it's too late now, they are up there, and I'm down here. the roadwalk down is exposed and hot as hell, the trail decides to give me one last fuck you, and I take it head first. 

as I walk through Idyllwild I feel distance from the hikers around me, and the need to get away. arranging my affairs like I'm arranging my funeral, but I feel content with it. I tried, I failed, I move on to other things. will I ever set foot on this beast again? will I regret the decision I made? would it have been different if I had done something different? a thousand question and one answer, it's okay, you've done the right thing, now it's time to mourn, tomorrow it's time to be alive again.